Gotta open myself to new people in life. It's time to open my heart and learn to love again..

Have a big heart! <3

It sucks to like someone so much, only to realise that it doesn't reciprocate the way I hope for it to be..

Syahrul.. His mum passed away just more than a week ago. I couldn't describe the emotions that were going through inside of me. I felt really sad for his mum's demise, and at the same time, I was just really affected by it that I couldn't stop thinking about the past and of what we were three years ago.. All I had to do was to ask him how he was doing, and it all sparked off from there.. I miss him. I honestly do.. I have no idea where did this feeling come from, and how did it start to spark all over again.. But it's here, and I can't get it off my chest!

How are you, Syahrul?.. is the usual question that I post to him, worried that I might go overboard and unconsciously (seriously?!) tell him that I miss him.. I do, seriously. And what better way than to regain back all these feelings right before my completion of my assignment for this week!

Tired ttm.. From work, from assignment.. But l still, somehow, have a small thought about him almost everyday for this entire week.

He asked me out, and I agreed for Saturday, whereby I will buy him dinner, and makes sure he gets warm (NOT cuddly) around me.. Of course I am worried, and extremely self conscious of the way I look.. But as much as I really like him now, I will quickly get over guys who don't show their interests in me in due time, and most importantly, I am here as a friend.. I'm not going to try too hard because I'm not here to woo him.. I'm just here to show I care, I'm here, and that I'm sorry for all that's happened in the span of three years..

I'm falling for you. Will you fall for me too?

Until then,
Au Viderzeen..

I feel like crap, reminiscing on my past and wondering what could've been if I hadn't done certain things.. But that wouldn't be right to blame everything on myself, and having regrets and so many what-ifs. I believe life was somehow pre-planned and certain things happen because it has it's reasons behind it.. Allah knows best, right? And we may not know the answers to everything, but He knows.. SubhanAllah.

I try to put my envies and my jealousy aside because I'm sure it's just doing me no good.. I love myself and I respect myself, insyaAllah from now on, physically and emotionally and spiritually and all, so I should mean what I say by acting on it. So that means I shouldn't be worked up on what has happen and focus on building up my Iman and my love for Allah and everything that He loves, I should love too..

I know it's not easy. But I will try. InsyaAllah..

How I miss you, is too short of a phrase to describe all that I'm feeling right now. Astarghfirullah..

Until then,
Au Viderzeen

I realised I need to start writing and documenting my plans and my goals and my heart-felts in ink again. Well, maybe technically, not literally, but yeah, you get what I'm saying here right.

The last time I wrote some childish whatnots (and whether memorable or not is an argument on it's own) was in May 2009, so it was long to say. A lot has happened from there, and many people I used to write about have now become stranger than strangers in my life, and a couple of whom I might not even remember writing about have been with me for a while now and sticks to me like glue. Of course, I've also met others along the way that was never even mentioned before (because I didn't even know I would meet them) and, well sparks fly and sparks disappear, and some Superglue always sticks for a really long time..

Talking about time, I should make that time to sleep now. But wait, some updates about those I have mentioned about in the past.

Helmi has gotten married, I haven't mentioned that, have I? Well, I'm happy when he's happy, I guess. Sad, because the bride isn't me, but who can argue with fate? Can't procrastinate on that - a little too late isn't it - now that he's out off boundaries with me knowing that he's someone's husband. Alhamdulillah, now I know I'm no longer waiting for him at that train station one month from now, something that I was blindly doing and turning down a couple of guys because of that.. But I'm glad he married young or I would've waited too long for nothing. Now the options are wide open - although not that I have anymore that I am keen of now lol.

Nasir (you will know him from my last post) has completely become a bestfriend (were we even one from the start?) from two totally separate worlds - drumroll please - again. He's DIL (again - although I really feel this one's here to stay) and if we were close as what he has been claiming in the last couple of years, he would've been open with me about it. Yes, it kinda bothers and irks me, but I am grateful that girl is in fact another girl! Super super thankful for that.. Now he can no longer come back to me and say I am the only girl for him (something which I am so sure he will not do again and that I was sure of for a long time now).

Hafidz, my long lost "please fill in the blanks" is now in talking terms with me again. I have forgiven the guy I loathe so much for the past 4 years. I was missing him quite a bit about a couple of months back, and we started contacting each other again. We met, eventually, and I realised I could never love him again. I miss him and yes sometimes I wish I was back with him like before, but the past was too painful to be restored and if I ever settle down with him (insyaAllah, we won't), I don't think I will be spiritually happy, and emotionally it will be a halfhearted love affair. Meeting him made me realise that no matter how much I miss him, he was and will always be someone from my past and I don't hope that my permanent future (in reality, there isn't permanence on earth) will be with him. No matter how much I think I want him back and how much I miss him, the chemistry to talk about anything at all is gone, and i believe it never really existed at all. We were too young to know what was love in the right way, and yes there are wrong ways and wrong reasons why we fall in love if you read up or learn a little bit more about love in Islam. There are many good books about them, and it is far more than not being able to touch each other prior to marriage. If in doubt, talk to Allah and refer to the Al-Quran and Hadiths. InsyaAllah you are safe and on the right path. I pray that for me too and may I have the strength to overcome all the worldly desires one step at a time. So yeah, Hafidz has changed, but I don't think my heart and my mind wants him in my life as my husband. I don't think I can love him entirely anymore. So no use arguing about that. We are friends, yes, and I am nicer to him now, but insyaAllah that's all we will be and may Allah guide me to remind myself not to fall into that trap of failed romances and sinful desires. Astarghfirullah..

As for now, boys will be boys, and some will stay cute (lol) but I will go back to what I have believed in so strongly when I was so much younger, something that I almost abandoned and forgotten, and almost lost myself due to peer pressures and loneliness. I will hold on to what I've said before and that is, "Don't look for guys, they will come looking for you if they're really interested in you." InsyaAllah!

As for now, I intend to be Allah-focused, family-focused, study-focused and save-plus-make-more-money-focused. InsyaAllah.. May Allah grant me spiritual strength to go through everything.. And may my parents always be in Allah's Protection and Guidance, and stay longer and always healthy to see me and my siblings grow and be successful, insyaAllah.. Amin.

Until then,
Au Viderzeen.

Just Bestfriends.



I miss the times when there where no barriers between us.
I miss hanging out like we used to.
I miss you.

Until then,
Au Viderzeen.

Lonely

I am alone
No one really listens.
Hear and comment
That is all their actions.

I am so sad,
I am really really sad.

Too tired from work,
trying to survive.
I feel worn off.
Always being nagged at, I am revived.

Happy to end a shift,
settled and time for some rest.
But more of the sometimes,
am being nagged at again, I am not surprised.

The phone ring is silent,
the responses to my nul incomings.

The daily routine
Of being taken care of.
I am blessed, trusting that I am loved.
Most times, just keeping to myself.

I am a cheater to my smiles,
meaning each laughter that I crack.
At most times, just hoping
that the noise can continue to linger.

I am loved,
I am happy.
I am grateful.

Just that for a lot of sometimes,
I know you just hear and make comments.

Did you manage to listen just now?
I am always just confused.
I am jumping from sad too many times.
I am just too tired.
I am always silent.

Be my friend.
Take my hand.
Listen to each other now, shall we?

I am so quiet.
I am your acquaintance,
always small in the crowd.
This has been my stance.

I am too tired,
and I am confused.

I am so tired,
I am not going to explain myself.
Remember me?
I am alone.

Hold out your right hand,
I introduce myself once more.
Hello,
My name is Lonely.

Will you keep me company?