Monday, April 28, 2008
/// 12:16:00 AM
But Already, I Miss You SoI had so much fun, such a great time with Chern Yang and Elizabeth just now. I know I have been missing Elizabeth after so long not being able to see her, and I know I will miss Chern Yang, since he just left us yesterday to join AH.. I know these are the reasons we all decided to meet (Summer and Jocelyn couldn't join us) but I didn't expect it to turn out so much better than expected.. Wow, I really enjoyed myself and had so much fun with u both!
I really hope we can find time to meet again in a couple of months time, maybe, and please don't forget me tau! It's been only a couple of hours since we walk separate ways, but I have already miss u so much, so much that it's terrible how it's really affecting me! Ala.. dah rindu la.. Haizz, now I'll be so much lonelier, especially without Chern Yang around..
P.S. They are my batch friends from NYP, we graduated together, then started work around the same time.. had our fair share of joy and yeah, stress at work together.. and now they've all gone separate ways.. Ahh I'm so depressed! So lonely without them! Chern Yang, my love.. Elizabeth, my sayang.. Hahaha..
Now I've got a new addiction: Kbox. Hahahaha u guys eh, introduce me this thing, now I wanna go all over again.. With u, that is. Too bad we didn't take photos together. Haizz, next time we meet again must take k! I miss u so much already u know..!
Until then,
Au Viderzeen.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
/// 7:01:00 PM
It's Been A While
It's like what they always say, no matter where u go, whatever that u're doing, and how much u change.. The strong qualities that makes u, the strong feelings that u have for certain things in the past will never really go away.
Somehow, u might really have changed, u might have actually overseen these things for quite a while.. But when something familiar suddenly bumps into u, then all of a sudden all these weird and rather fond feelings or memories automatically runs so fast, it'll go faster than fastforwarding the songs on ur mpeg player.
I'm writing all these is because it's my current experience.
It's been a quiet journey in my life for a while right now, especially since u're far. I'm caught in between being my young self, and just.. being myself. Being myself is like my personal obligation, my strength, and it just feels very right almost all the time. But on several occasions, just being my young self, it always just makes me feel.. very free, always taking the weight off my shoulders - the occasional burden of being myself. I am also caught in between u..
"U disappear, all of a sudden.. suddenly so far away. With such sharp, painful silence, u left. I'm stuck here wondering why, the reason for ur departure, such disheartening departure.. Ur presence will lift these burden off my shoulders, automatically sending out a weird sensation - of quick and sometimes, heavy and rapid heartbeat into my chest. It makes me go into a controllable seizure-like excitement so stat, but now.. oh, this tachycardic sensation is so painful when I think of u. U confuse me, yet so many moments, I know I require u here just like before, so much. I know I yearn for u. Ur presence is so strong, so strongly it touches me so deep inside.. So deep, I am wounded by its depth inside of me. Dressing my wound, now painful, but still yearning u would suddenly come back and hoping we could create memories, each a solitary breathtaking memory. I need u, I want to feel u inside of me again.. What's there for me to get all that? Just requiring u, out of so many, feels tight in my chest. I want to know what I can do to have u here with me.. I'm sorry, but I love u, u are a signifance, although far away, although I don't express it out. I know, I just know.. Right now, I am just very sure. I... love.. you.."
This emotion is so hard to resist.. I'm getting tachycardic just thinking of it, just feeling all of this, much stronger, typing all of this down -- a 2-hour of fear, and longing u were here.. I really miss u.
Until then,
Au Viderzeen.
Monday, April 14, 2008
/// 10:02:00 PM
What, I'm Really Missing?
I'm on DO today and supposedly, I planned to study for my IV theory test but in the end, I blew it.. All my plans screwed because I am not feeling very well lately, especially the past two days and today, making it three days!
Ahh, it all started with me having a seriously painful and annoying mouth ulcer that made me so difficult to eat anything at all.. Then I lost my appetite to eat anything, I can't even talk that properly anymore.. So yeah, that's one thing. So a couple of days later, rushed to eat my horfun (because the food was prepared late and I only had 20minutes to eat!) and ended up scalding my tongue. So that made it worst yeah? I can't talk so well, and I can't eat solid food or drink hot drinks so well! So the morning after the horfun incident, which was only a couple of days ago, I woke up feeling feverish, but refused any meds, refused to consult a dr (mainly because I am lazy to tell the dr why I'm unwell). Did I tell u, my body's constantly aching? It's like my immune system is getting low! Sigh. So my ulcer still annoys me, my tongue is still slightly sore, my fever's coming on and off, my whole body still aches, and wait.. I'm also having a cold. Run, nose.. Run! Hmmmm... And today, kept having this annoying headache on and off. So, I am so less motivated to do anything at all, and I can't study because of all this.. So should I take an MC tomorrow? Ahh, I'm so lazy.. I already have 3 MCs for this year! I'm so shagged, so prone to falling ill... I have no idea what I should do with myself right now. Take an early rest after this, and hopefully wake up tomorrow feeling much much better. Yeah, I should sleep with my Paracetamol/Ophenadrine tonight.
OK, so that was the long complain regarding me, falling ill..
Falling, falling.. I am always falling ill, always falling out of love so easily. I have dated a number of guys this year, but I just keep falling out as quickly as I fall in it.. And it's not that they're not attractive, or nice, or having positive qualities that I shouldn't fall for, it's just that I can't fall for all that anymore.
Maybe when my heart was sorely hurt the last time I was in a serious relationship some years ago, it also taught me to stop loving, romantically.. I can't fall deeply in love anymore even if I want to. The negative things Hafidz did to me have affected me so strongly inside. Everytime I get to like someone, I am so haunted by the things Hafidz has done to me before.. Take it like this, I like a guy and he likes me, but the moment I saw his flaw or the minute he hurt me ONCE, is enough to make me get affected by that, and that's when all the bad memories start playing with my mind again. That's also when I start to doubt him, and we fall out of liking each other.. No matter how he tries to win me back, no matter how many times he tells me I'm beautiful in his eyes, or that he's sorry, or that he'll still want me no matter how much flaws I got, my heart still won't be able to mend.. At the end of the day he leaves me too because he just can't stand me anymore. Wait, whatever happened to the "I still want u no matter how many flaws u got" thing? Hah, see? Bullshit right?
So yeah, I am losing interest in guys, maybe? Seems like it.. Even all my guy bestfriends are busy and away from me right now. So how? Even if I do like Helmi right now, I am still overlooking a lot of things.. My current and always-have-been belief is, Allah will know best who will be our lifelong partner, so yeah. I'm just letting my fate lie is God's hand.. I might be missing u know.. I might be missing out in a lot of opportunites with a lot of great guys right now, but if we don't look in the same direction, then.. Let fate decide.
Whether I'll meet someone who loves us - each other - strongly or not (or whether I turn out to be gay hahaha) then I'll just leave it it to fate yeah? I just can pray and hope for the best. For all the things I don't know that makes love (I am seriously hopeless and clueless in love and relationships), I can be pretty romantic and I know, on top of several qualities, the one big thing I need in a guy.
I will definitely fall in love with a guy that.........
"Makes me feel beautiful, makes me feel I am more than meets the eye.."
Until then,
Au Viderzeen.
/// 7:51:00 PM
What? I'm Missing?
Me: Call the autobots! The decepticons have take me fugitive..!! No no no no no....(my voice fading away as I am brought further into the galaxy). I'm going missing and no one knows....
(On Cybertron)
Megatron: Are you Sam Witwicky's real girlfriend???
Me: No.. I'm not..
Megatron: DON'T LIE TO ME!! (Throwing copies of phtotographs to my face) WHAT ABOUT ALL THESE INTIMATE PHOTOS OF THE BOTH OF YOU?? Photographs don't lie!
Me: But... I.. I don't know.. I..
Megatron: DON'T TALK TO ME, CRIMINAL!
Me: Nyeh? (Dia ni pakai script dalam movie Transformers ke, entah entah tgh filming Transformers 2. Wow, this is like super cool. And he's dumb, I mean, who's he calling a criminal.. Telling me to shut up? He wanted answers but he wants me to shut up.. Ok this is getting really weird..)
Megatron: Human! Stop thinking to yourself! Ugh, humans are disgusting..
Me: Wha-- (Eh, he's saying another line from Transformers the movie!) So...
Optimus Prime: Megatron!! Get your hands off that girl! Autobots, prepare for battle!!
Shia LaBeouf: (Pulling me to a safe corner while the robots battle) Nurul, are you ok? I was worried sick about you! I'm so sorry I chose you over.. over that Transformers movie heroine.. It was only temporary, it was for the movie! I'm sorry, Nurul.. I have thought through about this, I love you Nurul..
Me: (Oh, he confessed! Nyeh? Now, this is like a scene in Pirates of the Caribbean 3! He is proposing me in the midst of a war! Aik, 2 blockbuster movies in one scene? Ok, this is so weird..)
Shia LaBeouf: Nurul, you ok? (Shia's voice starting to disappear softly)
Me: (Feeling dizzy, getting confused being in 2 movies at one scene.. and finally collapses.)
Shia LaBeouf: No no no no no! Ratchett, come here at once! We have a casualty!!
-----
So how? Enjoyed that scene? A little too much drama for a transformers movie? Hmm, u decide k? Hahaha, I'm just acting out as a transformers hardcore fan.
Until then.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
/// 10:34:00 PM
Dear Shahril,
How long have we been friends, I need to hear it from u.. Wait, let me count.. It's 7 years, isn't it? And throughout these whole 7 years, have u ever felt that I was needed?
I have never really touched on these things before to u, as they always seemed petty. Because in the end, I am always very blessed that Allah brought us together, and this bond is seriously tight.. Just that, lately.. I feel as though we're drifting slightly apart, in a sense that, I have occasions when I get rather annoyed by u, by the way u seem to be treating me.. It's like, sometimes, u just don't seem to care about my feelings at all, and this feeling sucks.
Sucks because sometimes I just feel that I am one of ur close friend, whom u look on like one of ur 'brothers', rather than looking at me as ur closest girlfriend ever, and yes, bestfriends..
Somehow, there seem to suddenly be a barrier between us, and I hate this, I really really hate this. Is this just a phase in our relationship? Is this another huge test on our friendship? I have no idea at all, I am very confused..
I can remember vividly when we had our first huge conflict few years back, where we drifted off really far from each other, when I was very angry at u.. That was the time I almost gave up on us.. The day when u told me, u just didn't need me at all, that I was not required in ur life.. That day, u cut my heart so deep, there was no way I was going to forgive u, no way we would get back like how we've always been before. That was what I thought.. but somehow we overcame all that, u were forgiven, and the years later, our friendship has never been stronger than ever..
Until now...
Ask u, is the above situation going to repeat itself again, is it, this time, u really don't require our friendship anymore? Ahh, I am not willing to go through all that heartache again, and I am most unwilling to lose u.. If temporary distance means a bond stronger than ever when we're back together, then it's ok..
Or am I just being a little too paranoid? I have no idea.. I should confront u, like I did before, like I always do.. But why am I so afraid now? The faster we let this done, the faster we can get back from where we left off right?
Eventhough it seems like we're going slightly apart;
I'm Sure We Both Know That
I know u do miss me
Even when u hate saying it out..
I know I am important to u,
Although u never say it aloud..
U know how much I love u,
U can tell from the way I always treat u.
U know I'll always be there for u
I've run a million times just to be with u..
I know that even if we go apart,
InsyaAllah we will still come together.
I know that even if we go apart,
We're still bestfriends in our hearts forever..
Because, after all..
I still do know what's best.
Because out of all the people,
U'll always be the one guy I'll choose among the rest.
I miss u Shahril, I hope to see u soon.
Yours,
Nurul Ain AL.
---
Shahril, I know u won't read this entry, so u won't know everything that I wrote in here.. But there's one thing I hope u really can do, is that.. Just text me one day and say "I miss u, Ain". It won't kill u from being a non-romantic person. I promise if u do, I won't let anyone else know..
Ur secrets will always be my secrets, ur secrets will always be kept safely by me.
Haiz.. If only u knew..
Until then,
Au Viderzeen.
Monday, April 07, 2008
/// 1:21:00 PM
Ok, it's definitely official.. My blog can't be found on the net, unless u have my url, that is.. I'll pay u a treat if u manage to prance upon my blog on the internet without cheating straight to the url!
Until then..
Welcome to the most private blog on the whole internet!
Cherio, baby~
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
/// 12:43:00 PM
More Than Meets the Eye
How can I go on
Not telling myself that I like u?
How can I not go on
Without telling u each time that I miss u?
Each day and each night
My heart beats stronger for u.
Each day and each night
I know that I'm still counting the days to seeing u.
U seem to know when
I am at my lowest.
U brighten up my day
When I felt that it'll all just get worst.
U're all that I think about now.
U're the one that has manage to catch my eye.
U make most of the smiles that I carve right now
And u're definitely so much more than meets the eye.
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The Memories
