Friday, December 14, 2007
/// 9:22:00 PM
Provide me with solutions, don't just provide me with words..
Nevertheless, thank u.
/// 8:57:00 PM
Maybe It's Really Not Ok
I am not feeling well, there's this super annoying sensation at the back of my neck and my shoulders that's, well, super bugging me. And my head hurts, there's a super annoying pain that really pains me. Don't get me talking about my abdominal area yet. Bottomline is, I am irritated.
Yes, I'm annoyed. In many ways, I am.
Somehow, I am bothered by many issues around me right now. I am thinking more and deep. Ahh, I hate this. But I can't stop it.
I'm sorry Didi, for troubling u. I'm sorry for telling all my shit to u. I hate showing my flaws, but at the end of the day I am only human. Hear me now; I can't always laugh. I have to be insane first to do that. So take it or leave it, accept me as a person or not accept me. These are the only 2 choices. U choose the latter and I'll tell u, it's all up to u, it's all ur own decision. I won't fight back, I won't fight for u. I'm tired of fighting for someone in this meantime.
All these hooo-haaas that I am currently going to is driving me nuts. I am worn out from all of these drama but I just can't stop it. I'll just pray now that my worries will all decrease and I can be back to my usual daily self.
I've been singing and singing and hoping that it'll sound good. That someone will hear me and offer me a gig. The only instrument that I can pray is my voice, so I hope it won't get lost and it'll really sound good. Someone please offer me a gig, a small one, a private one where there's actually a, young or mixed generations, real and live audience that wants to hear me sing.. A private party sort of thing, something like my first one. Make it happen, make it come true before I turn 21. Make me sound really good, make me have an adolescent memory to carry with me as I age on...
I feel like as though I grow too fast, that I've fallen too much. Normal everyday people will tell me it's the same, others have also faced it rough. That's partially true, but I fight to oppose to that. Why? Because I'm not u, and I'm not the same. I am Nurul Ain Abdul Latiff, I am my own individual. I won't tell u to shut up, because u're also ur own person. Maybe u just blend in too well with the rest of the society that all of u speak the same, tell almost the same stories... Then again, u're just being u, so ok fine whatever. This is my blog entry, I can type whatever I want, i have my own say. We don't think the same, to start off, biologically we both have different brains.
See? I'm being temperamental again. I am thinking super deeply again, I am sounding angry, I am pissed off. I am jealous. I am just sustaining my ego. Hate my ego? I don't care. Or do I? Yes, I will probably fight back with u and argue with u to defend myself, so I do care. I care about myself, that's what I'll tell u.
I'd probably hurt those that I love with all that I am saying when I'm thrown in situations like these. I'd probably hurt myself, hurt my sisters' feelings, hurt urs.. But I'll definitely try my best not to hurt my parents'. So ok. I'm sorry, but I am being extra human-ish I guess. Whatever that means..
I love u, I admire u for having all that u've got. But sometimes I still envy u, D.
-- The way u present urself, ur relationship with ur family shouts A plus, means that u've got great family ties. I am so proud of u, but I envy u. Occasionally I have big issues to settle at home, that sometimes goes on undone. But I envy u, D. I envy how ur presence at home is such a significance. So many things that I face here at home won't even be near to similar. This is why I say we're different.
-- I admire u for playing in a band, I have always wished I'd be close with someone who performs in a band, it's like a crazy adolescent dream that I've been carrying for so long. Then I met u, and u make me really happy, one dream down, but I don't wanna leave this here, I wanna bring u along even when I'm done with being an adolescent. But I still envy u, D for being part of a band, for being able to do performances. For having a big piece of what I've always wanted. What makes it even harder for me is that, ur u-know-who is a part of that, means she still has a reason to be a part of ur life. That this is why I say we're different.
-- I adore the way u cherish friendships, and the great friends that u've got. That u know who are ur real friends and they treat u the same. I told u I know who are my great friends, and know who to really keep until I grow old. I know who feels the same as I do, but majority I don't really know if they actually wanna keep me until I become grey. I envy this about u, D. This is also why I say we're different.
-- I tell u a million things about me, all my flaws and all of my imperfections. I tell u all the experiences that I went through in the past or even yesterday, be it hell or just plain earthly. U tell me u don't hide anything from me, so I trust u. In other ways from what u've told me, I somehow feel, I somehow know ur experiences aren't as rough as mine, so this sort of tells me u lead a pretty clean life. And for this, I envy u D. Another reason why I tell u we're different.
All these that I typed are all spontaneous, I'm just being myself, I'm just being direct. I'm sorry. I'm just being honest here, since all these have been bottling more and more in me each day. At first it seems kinda innocent, small, insignificant. Then, as everyday walks on, a new reality slaps at my face over and over again, making all these little things big then bigger and eventually it turns into a hill. I don't know how to start speaking all these issues to u, so that's why I haven't verbally tell u all this yet. So this is why I wrote it all here, somehow it seems simpler this way. I'll wait for u to read this then question me. Maybe I need to tell u I'm sorry, but for whatever reason, why don't u just let me know. Let me know why is it even necessary to say that. Let me see how u attend to this, manage this.. Show me what u'll do, show me what u can do..
I miss u, D. I love u too. But whatever happens, happens for a reason, if we don't know the exact reason then we always make reasons for it. That's what we do, we're just being human.. I love u, D. Yes, love is blind but it definitely does not make me blind. Don't make it worst, I'm already wearing glasses. So I see ur imperfections, I see my imperfections. I wanna clear a lot of things with u before we can even go on and face the day together tomorrow..
So ask me. Tell me whatever u need to say. I might not always understand, but I'll definitely listen to u. Open up, baby and tell me every single truth.
I love u. I miss u.
Until then,
Au Viderzeen.
/// 7:06:00 PM
Is it worth it can you even hear me?I'm trying to tell u I'm not ok
Can u hear me?
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
Can u even hear me?
Do u know that my hormones are messy?
I tell u now it's all not in place.
I'm doing my screamo again, now it's not sexy
I ask u now, can u take my place?
I'm ripping my heart out,
By sharing these things.
I drain my tears all out,
I'm sharing everything.
I'm opening all my thoughts out to u
U assured me that u're always listening
I'm listening, I'm going to ask u again
I'm showing my flaws, telling everything
At the end, are these all really worth it?
Help me.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
/// 8:44:00 PM
Don't Forget to Wake UpTomorrow is a day after today, and I'm off to work again after a pretty long break. I hope I can still remember how to work. I'm working day shift tomorrow, so.. Gotta wake up earlier, yeah! Hahaha, dah lama tak bangun at 5.15am, hopefully I know how to wake up on time when the alarm bells ring! InsyaAllah, can. InsyaAllah it'll be a good day tomorrow.
Someone's not well now, and I'm worried, of course. I hope he recovers very soon, I hope his ill-health won't deteriorate. I hope he wakes up feeling much much better. I've got something to talk about when we talk..
---
I Tell U, Now U Tell MeU tell me u'll shelter me in all weather
That u'll warm me whenever it's cold.
I'll tell u, u're always my sun
But u can also be why it rains.
I tell the people in my world
U're the reason my compass turns north
But am I just the pathway that u walk on?
Providing u safety but u don't even give a glance?
I tell u that I love u
I tell u that all the time
U tell me u feel the same way
But are those just words that u mime?
U tell me I'm ur only one
The reason for ur smiles
Now all I ask is for u to really tell me
Are u always telling the truth?
Until then,
Au Viderzeen.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
/// 9:35:00 AM
Staying Positive
Yeah, no matter what problems and how many humans who have tried to ruin my happiness these few days, I am still positive. I am still smiling.
No use dwelling on about the past, all's done was long done, even if it happened yesterday and there's nothing else to discuss about. If it has no effect on me, than whatever u're trying to do is really a waste of time..
This is my life, I determine my smiles, not u..
Staying Positive: Staying high on life, not high on drugs. Haha..
Dan, aku takkan mengaku kalah selagi aku tahu aku tak bersalah.
Sesungguhnya jua, aku amat bersyukur atas ketidakhadiranmu dihidupku lagi, dan atas apa yang telah diuji kepadaku dihari-hariku ini. Ia telah membuktikan kedewasaan didalam diriku.. Alhamdulillah.
Until then,
Au Viderzeen!
Sunday, December 09, 2007
/// 3:52:00 PM
Been a Great Week
Although things didn't go all the way as I planned it to be, honestly, it was a really really great week so far. I thought my AL was gonna be such a bore when mid-week things started to get a little topsy-turvy, but it turned out really really alright.
The only two plans that didn't change was meeting Shahril on Tuesday, and going out with my close colleagues on Thursday. Yippee.
Meeting Shahril after such a super-super long time was great. When I told him not to leave my side, and to stay with me throughout, he didn't have to say anything. His actions expressed it all on that day. Did I mention I miss him? Ha, yes ah. I can go on and on about him, but well.. sometimes when we can't form up words to express our feelings, it can actually have a stronger meaning attached to it.
Wednesday was a bit rough here at home, but yeah managed to settle it all. Happy now! =)) Air dicincang takkan putus. Fuyo! K, next..
Thursday yea yeah! Went out with my colleagues babyy. We caught 2 Days in Paris at PictureHouse. Do You Know? We can't bring any food and drinks inside PictureHouse! Suck blood, and we only found out about it after purchasing the tickets. Dang, all of us were hyperglycemic already, u know. Especially my girls who sorta just got off from Day shift and haven't taken their lunch at all... Hahaha. BUT the movie was great great great. It is so my kind of movie u know. So took quite a number of photos and had dinner together. Ah, best best..
Friday! Went to my workplace to change my roster and then, got my confirmation slip! Woohoo, aku dah confirm tau~ Tak boleh angkat! Alhamdulillah.. Had to attend to Ms Chen's talk after that for a while, then seriously miss all my colleagues lah, and some of my patients so... Went to talk to most of them, and most of them remembered me! Best kan.. Had a really really great time there.
Someone tried to ruin my day on this day actually. So, I need to make some things straight. First, I am really really happy that u're out of my life. I am happy that we broke up. I am happy it it's my hormones that ruined us. Even if u keep blaming me for everything that happen, it won't affect me at all, because I don't care, I don't care about u anymore and that's it. That's all I can say.
U can hurt me all u want, but I won't be affected. U can try to explain urself to me for all u want, but I won't listen and for one thing I don't trust u anymore. I don't trust u now, and that's forever. So yeah, whatever. And lastly, I hate u, and that's definitely forever. So please, get a life, one which is definitely without me. If u can't get it, then I suggest u can just throw it away. So, goodbye Hafidz and yes I will repeat myself for u, this is goodbye and it's definitely forever. That's a promise.
Soo, that's done.
Saturday arrived yesterday, and it was such a beautiful saturday. Once in every 2 weeks, but that's alright. It might not be easy for us, but a little sacrifice can mean victory for us later. Thanks for always being there, stay here always with me. No one can get in the way of what I feel. Like I've said earlier on, I can go on and on about this, but well.. sometimes when we can't form up words to express our feelings, it can actually have a stronger meaning attached to it. So yeah..
And today sunday! I'm still happy and enjoying my week.. Spending time with my family, like other days. Thanks to me, thanks to everyone.
So to sum this week up, I am happy and no one can get in the way of what I'm feeling, baby..
So ok then, "B-A-I", BYE!
Until then,
Au Viderzeen.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
/// 9:08:00 PM
Changes
Today I woke up super late, at 11am. And I actually thought it was still 9am, my usual wake up time if I have no work or I’m on afternoon duty. Soo… probably the reason why was cause it was raining super heavily and the sun wasn’t screaming at my face. So yeah.
I didn't go to Cik Nong’s house today as planned earlier. Had some issues to settle but, ended up I didn’t settle any affairs at home today. So well, second yeah.
Cooked up a storm today in the kitchen. Haha, nah. Just usual stuff. While I was doing just that, I actually rememebered that I have forgotten how fun it was to cook. Whenever I'm cooking, I recall the time I was 17. That was when I brushed up a lot of my cooking skills taught by mother. And that time when the both of us were really really close and could really really talk to each other.
Sigh, now so many things have changed. I want that bond with mother again, so badly. Is it since I started working that we drifted apart? Is it hormones that's making all of these behavioural changes? Is it cause I spend a lot of time at work, and using up my weekends that's drifting us so much apart? Or is it having someone new in my life now that I have been throwing plenty of my time to, that is causing all this? Gosh, is there seriously anything I have to do to get all that back again?
I thought I was happy, I thought we were all happy. I thought I have grown up. I thought I have mature in many areas. Am I making the same similar mistakes all over again? Am I falling and failing again?
I am so exhausted from asking myself so many questions, and wanting to confront mother to talk to her and get everything cleared out… I am seriously so confused. Why has it become so hard?
Hafidz is out of my life, that is suppose to make me happy. That is my definition of happiness.
Now, today, yesterday, at home alone despite having my family members' around still makes me feel quiet and so so alone in my own world. I hate talking about the seriousness of life too much, but now words are controlling me more than I can actually hear my own laughter.
This feeling sucks. I suck. I have problems and I seriously need to face it all. I just need a start button. Can someone please help me? Can someone please hit me and make me cry like before? Can someone please make me cry? Can someone please please hurt me and make me cry.................
I miss you mother, I miss sharing so many things with you.
There was a seriously long long pause after I wrote that above sentence. Something that I did, that opened up my mind so wide, now I might just know what to do.
Changes may be good you know.
I might have to lose certain things to gain all that back, and I am prepared for it. I know what I have to keep and what I have to lose. I know what I need to do to gain what I really want and really need. Even if it requires me to be alone in certain areas of my life. Even if it means I don't require romance in the meantime.
I'm sorry, but I am just being myself.
I am just being Nurul.
I am just standing up again, and again and again...
I need to keep my pride and my strength.
InsyaAllah, I will wake up tomorrow and be fresh again. I know now what I mean by resting and that means settling things that have been left unsettled, and going back to what I had worked for many many months ago. I will gain back mother's trust and keep the bond strong again.
For many things that I might not know, I definitely know that I’m the one who's in control of my happiness. I wasn't so happy earlier on but I will gain all that back again soon. I know I will.
Until then,
Au Viderzeen.
Monday, December 03, 2007
/// 3:31:00 PM
Added News
So it will be Friday then, instead of Sunday.
It's ok, I will try my best to go out with you no matter what.. This Friday.
Missing you.
Missing a number of yous right now...
=)
/// 11:19:00 AM
Another Passing Day.
Today is Monday, 3rd Dec 2007. And today, starts my AL for 1 week!! Settle. Haha.. Finally I can have some rest, and away from work! Almost everyday I've got plans so.. fully booked! If there's Herbie, Fully Loaded; then I have my own movie too. It's called, Nurul, Fully Booked.
Maybe I wanted to slot in some other plans in between but I guess time doesn't permit me to do so.. I will make sure I'll slot those time when we're both free. I hope Sufiah doesn't get angry if I don't get to meet her this week.
Anyways, meeting Shahril tmr, ah so looking forward..! Hahaha... I haven't had the time to meet him for quite some time, I think. We didn't get to come to each others' house or even meet each other during Hari Raya this year, and same goes during the whole month of Ramadhan. So kirakan, it's about 2 whole month plus plus plus!
Then Wednesday, off to Cik Nong's house.
Thursday, probably out with my colleagues.
Friday, out with D.
Saturday, most probably to Darul Makmur.
And Sunday, hopefully another day with D again.
So what I'm doing today? Staying at home of course, and help with some chores. So I intend to make everyday house-chores and house-time days in the morning before I go out. I hope mother won't get angry with me going out everyday.. IF it seems really difficult, I'd rather just go out with D, on Sunday je as long as I get to see him on this week. I'd rather just get to meet him once, then not get to meet him at all! So.. We'll see then. I need the time at home too.. Prolly rest and gain my stamina then I can walk and walk and walk around again!
"Let's make the weekend ours, something we can look back and smile on as we go through our everydays..."
Until then,
Au Viderzeen.
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