At 0422 hours today, I received a message on my phone. And guess from whom it was from?
School.

My school is a tad bit weird. Sms-ing students their results in the wee hours of the morning. What a way to start the day.. Haha.. So, well.. wee! I passed my HS1034 Supp. Paper. That's really great news, you know. Really. Syukur Alhamdulillah. Year 2 here I coooooomeeee!!
The only thing left to do to get into Year 2 is to pass my Vocational Training Practice (VTP), which will start on 30.05.05. Yep.

Anyways, slept after morning prayers and I woke up really late, for the first time. Such long hours seem to mean like I'm rendering up my daytime talent for obliterating the outward traces of myself in exchange for mental obliteration. Oh boy.

The latest that I've even woken up is 1000 hours. Itu pun jarang sangat seh. I don't know what's gotten into me now. I am so worried of so many things too. It sucks man. I can't seem to be able to concentrate that much anymore. My mind has been on the moon lately, the last couple of days at least. Earghh. I am so disappointed with myself. For upsetting mother, today and yesterday. For letting her down. For losing part of her trust towards me. This is so, eargghh. She's my life, and I betrayed her trust towards me. Damn, I kinda lied something to her. I don't lie to her, and when I lie, it's so bad. I just don't know how to lie. Now it's like I'm not trusting myself, myself.

Trust. The truth is always stranger than fiction.

Something is definitely wrong with me. Something is definitely bugging me. Something is definitely getting me in deep thoughts.

So fished up.

Questions kept gnawing at me, I don't know how to stop it, I don't even know how it all started.
Thoughts swirl around my brain. Mingled resentments swirling around inside me like some sort of nebulous cloud, now swelling in my gut, now sending flames of heat in my chest.
Haiz.

Alright then.

Until Later,
Au Viderzeen.

Part and Parcel of My Life Story

I'm all alone again
To face the music
And be in the play
On this stage called life.

The truth has been leaked out.
The evidence is clearly seen.
Earghh, I hear my silent scream
But it makes no sense at all.

So here I listen
And there she speaks.
Forgive me, I said.
And the next scene zooms in.

On and on we go
Dancing and acting out our roles.

Her script is long,
And she memorised every line.
In my part, I'm so lost at words.
I know I've stumbled on my lines.

She caught me in action.
"You've done a bad job", says her.
She doesn't fire me.
Being boss isn't just the answer.

She knows we need each other.
I know I need her,
Because I'm her daughter
And she's my mother
And we're attached as family.

So on and on we go
Dancing and acting out our roles.

This bond can never break.
This play has to go on.
The script will write by itself
And more roles might come in the picture later.

But no matter what,
We can't fire each other.
Boss no boss,
It isn't us who direct.
There's a power more superior than us.

And mainly,
It's because we're family
And because I love her
And I'm sure she loves me too.

This dance will keep following it's beat.
This play isn't an act.

This is some sort of a gift.
It's all in the package.
Bite your nails if you must,
But it's all a reality.

"Part and Parcel of Ain's Life Story".
That's the title of this play.
Sounds familiar to yours?
Perhaps your life story
Is similar to mine.

Signing off.

I had a dream during my sleep in the morning, and I'm really scared.

"Jangan kau pergi dari sisiku..."

Aku takut seh. Bad dreams, bad dreams... Nightmares..
I'm so haunted by that.
I can't stop thinking about it.

Until Later,
Au Viderzeen.

I almost broke down, then I heard someone calling me.
Someone who came at the right time, and listened to some of my cries...

Thank you for lifting up my mood.
It was the best gift that I've ever received during the past few days.



You made my day, you let me start my day by putting so much smiles on my face.
You cheered me up.
You made me laugh.



You're my Spiderman.
I love you, Peter Parker.
Or are you still Brad Pitt? =P

No matter how many names you have, I know there's only one you in my life.
And I'm so thankful for that...
It doesn't just make you special, for me...
It makes you special, too, yourself.

Thanks dearest. It means so much to me.

Until Later,
Au Viderzeen.

It's times like this when I realise my message can't be sent to u because there's a barrier that's stopping me to do so.

I wanted so badly to tell u about my day, and share some news with u. Times like this when I need to carve a real smile, and forget about some problems I've faced during the day. I wanted to, but I can't.

I heard your voice on the phone, it seems u're really busy and having so much fun. It sounded like my call have paused your enjoyment there. So I paused my sentences, no... I put it to stop mode in telling u my messages.

Your joy as one of my priorities in life, mine I put aside for the meantime, just like what I just did.

My thoughts, fears, anger and tears; I've kept them to myself. I want to run somewhere far and scream my heads off, to let go of those emotions, at least for a while. Again, I can't. 'Cause I'm too busy these days and have very little time for myself. It sucks more, because I'm neglecting a few dear people in my life, and the precious times we used to have. And I've been compiling one problem after another. No fret. HEH.

Now, the only 'me-time', I must say, the beautiful moments for myself is sleep. When my eyes are shut, and all I have are pleasant dreams (even nightmares can count in), or best of all, no night-shift thoughts at all.
That's when my problems are set aside for a moment. Moments when I don't have to cry nor smile, alone. Sometimes, without my own realisation, I may cry or feel scared, or smile. But those are fantasies, aren't they? And it's beautiful, annit? Heh.

Times like this when I realise, it's the dearest people in my life that I'm unable to get hold of at occasions when I really need to lift up my mood.

Times like this when I realise I'm on my own. I'm always gonna have to trust myself, and yes, stay alone... I'm think I'm gonna break any moment soon. Yes, alone. That's for sure.

Until Later,
Au Viderzeen.

Yesterday's picnic cum bbq with my family (mother's side) was niice.
It was pretty much a blast la, can say.

Just check out Dayah's or Aqidah's blog to read on more.

Over and out.


Until Later,
Au Viderzeen.