I realised I need to start writing and documenting my plans and my goals and my heart-felts in ink again. Well, maybe technically, not literally, but yeah, you get what I'm saying here right.

The last time I wrote some childish whatnots (and whether memorable or not is an argument on it's own) was in May 2009, so it was long to say. A lot has happened from there, and many people I used to write about have now become stranger than strangers in my life, and a couple of whom I might not even remember writing about have been with me for a while now and sticks to me like glue. Of course, I've also met others along the way that was never even mentioned before (because I didn't even know I would meet them) and, well sparks fly and sparks disappear, and some Superglue always sticks for a really long time..

Talking about time, I should make that time to sleep now. But wait, some updates about those I have mentioned about in the past.

Helmi has gotten married, I haven't mentioned that, have I? Well, I'm happy when he's happy, I guess. Sad, because the bride isn't me, but who can argue with fate? Can't procrastinate on that - a little too late isn't it - now that he's out off boundaries with me knowing that he's someone's husband. Alhamdulillah, now I know I'm no longer waiting for him at that train station one month from now, something that I was blindly doing and turning down a couple of guys because of that.. But I'm glad he married young or I would've waited too long for nothing. Now the options are wide open - although not that I have anymore that I am keen of now lol.

Nasir (you will know him from my last post) has completely become a bestfriend (were we even one from the start?) from two totally separate worlds - drumroll please - again. He's DIL (again - although I really feel this one's here to stay) and if we were close as what he has been claiming in the last couple of years, he would've been open with me about it. Yes, it kinda bothers and irks me, but I am grateful that girl is in fact another girl! Super super thankful for that.. Now he can no longer come back to me and say I am the only girl for him (something which I am so sure he will not do again and that I was sure of for a long time now).

Hafidz, my long lost "please fill in the blanks" is now in talking terms with me again. I have forgiven the guy I loathe so much for the past 4 years. I was missing him quite a bit about a couple of months back, and we started contacting each other again. We met, eventually, and I realised I could never love him again. I miss him and yes sometimes I wish I was back with him like before, but the past was too painful to be restored and if I ever settle down with him (insyaAllah, we won't), I don't think I will be spiritually happy, and emotionally it will be a halfhearted love affair. Meeting him made me realise that no matter how much I miss him, he was and will always be someone from my past and I don't hope that my permanent future (in reality, there isn't permanence on earth) will be with him. No matter how much I think I want him back and how much I miss him, the chemistry to talk about anything at all is gone, and i believe it never really existed at all. We were too young to know what was love in the right way, and yes there are wrong ways and wrong reasons why we fall in love if you read up or learn a little bit more about love in Islam. There are many good books about them, and it is far more than not being able to touch each other prior to marriage. If in doubt, talk to Allah and refer to the Al-Quran and Hadiths. InsyaAllah you are safe and on the right path. I pray that for me too and may I have the strength to overcome all the worldly desires one step at a time. So yeah, Hafidz has changed, but I don't think my heart and my mind wants him in my life as my husband. I don't think I can love him entirely anymore. So no use arguing about that. We are friends, yes, and I am nicer to him now, but insyaAllah that's all we will be and may Allah guide me to remind myself not to fall into that trap of failed romances and sinful desires. Astarghfirullah..

As for now, boys will be boys, and some will stay cute (lol) but I will go back to what I have believed in so strongly when I was so much younger, something that I almost abandoned and forgotten, and almost lost myself due to peer pressures and loneliness. I will hold on to what I've said before and that is, "Don't look for guys, they will come looking for you if they're really interested in you." InsyaAllah!

As for now, I intend to be Allah-focused, family-focused, study-focused and save-plus-make-more-money-focused. InsyaAllah.. May Allah grant me spiritual strength to go through everything.. And may my parents always be in Allah's Protection and Guidance, and stay longer and always healthy to see me and my siblings grow and be successful, insyaAllah.. Amin.

Until then,
Au Viderzeen.