Atuk's Demise

Reaching home on 4th September 2008 approroximately 1530hour this year, after work, is one that I won't ever forget. After giving my salaam to Mak and Faizah, Mak replied and said, "Mak ada berita buruk.."
Initially I thought she was playing around, but then I realised the tension and just really wanted to find out. I remembered, my heart was going lup-dup-lup-dup faster than it should..

"Atuk Ali dah meninggal.." she said.
Being confused and shocked, I asked her to repeat what she said.. and what I heard was true. And I was more shocked, and so much more confused. I just decided to get to the living room couch that was in front of the tv set and just sat down, still with my uniform on and with my black PUMA bag still hanging on my left shoulder.. I just stared, looked around, looked at the clock and was really really confused. Then all memories of Atuk that could come to my mind at that time just started pouring, remembering all his occasional calls from Malaysia.. everything and anything, but I was still kidnapped away from reality. In my mind, were the sentences..'This is not a reality'. that just kept repeating itself umpteenth of times. And suddenly it was like as though an invisible someone, but not literally, just slapped across my face and told me to shut up.. and just accept fate.

I did, as immediately as reality threw itself right smack on my face.. By accepting it, meaning.. I began crying. Faizah was trying to help, but I just can't help myself. I was the oldest amongst my cousins, and the one closest to Atuk.. And with pause intervals, I just kept crying and crying until it was about 1800hours, when I decided to wash up, do my prayers and get ready for breaking fast.. I couldn't cry after that, I was trying to show a brave front in front of myself and my family.. Pretending to 100% accepting it, but in actual fact...

Mak told me that night, the whole family wants to come and visit Atuk either the next day, which was Friday.. or the day after next. I wanted to tag along, but.. I had to work on both days.

Azhar called up not soon after and we talk a bit, and I told him about Atuk's demise, and he said.. "Kalau ikutkan hati I, besok jugak I pergi.." There are certain things that Azhar just say, that can be really insenstive, and I'm not gonna keep quiet. I wanted to go, but it's really not up to me right? I'm not the one driving, and plus.. it's in KL. KL is huge, I won't know where the place is.. and I'm not going to risk myself.

I could take CL or EL, or even MC to the last resort if I need to..

Then Cik Pah called up and said, they're leaving the next day at 0400hours. It was already nearing to 2200hours at that time.. Mak was going, but Abah couldn't make it. And a huge part of me really wanted to go, so badly. But I knew it wasn't going to be easy..

Called up Kak Fauziah, and Seah for advice regarding taking either EL or CL, because Atuk, by literal, is my late grandmother's younger brother, so he is actually more of my granduncle.. It was rather complicated at first. Called up Mr Ye, who was on-call that night and managed to get NC Tan's on call mobile number, and by all the complications, I was granted EL x1/7.. and NC Tan said, "Nvm, whatever happens, you just go visit your granduncle. I'll settle it for you tomorrow. You take care."

I woke up at 0300hours the next day, had early sahur and left at 0430hours from my place, with Cik Anuar picking us up. Cik Pah and her whole family was already waiting for us downstairs in their family car. Shagged and sleepy, with traffic jams and all other problems in between.. We almost didn't get to see Atuk's jenazah.

Managed to reach the destination ETA 1100hours, at the surau, where Atuk's body was already dikapankan, and the jenazah van already waiting.. It was such an emotional moment for all of us. We headed to the burial ground, where, Alhamdulillah, we were able to see Atuk's face for the last time.. He looked so calm, as though he had already asked for this day.. Lagipun, he has long been suffering from his chronic illness, so we all were more or less, redha that he passed on..

It was more emotional when Atuk finally dikebumikan and Apiz, Cik Din and Cik Anuar helped to bury him.. Even Apiz carried the keranda. I was really moved.. Busu didn't help, he just watch from afar, but I could see that side of him that I miss.. being the youngest uncle in the family, it felt like the old days when we were close, before he got married many years ago. After the burial, we sat down, recite some prayers, and tabur bunga on Atuk's grave..

Went to Atuk's closest sister's house, where he lived for a while prior to his demise.. We sat down, Mak talked to some relatives there, that I mostly don't know.. Decided to sit with Cik Pah, Cik Erah, Cik Nong and Aqidah.. where Nenek Zaimah was talking to them. Nenek Zaimah was telling what happened a few hours before Atuk passed away and that actually he already booked a place for him at the burial ground that he was buried at.. Maybe he just wanted to be near his sister, and maybe he didn't want to trouble his family so much, since he has been living at that area for quite a while before he passed away.

Then it was time for all of us to head home already, because the journey back home will take hours.. Mak handed over to Nenek Zaimah the amount of money we all collected amongst ourselves family and I was the first to salaam Nenek Zaimah. Nenek Zaimah is Atuk's wife, and she was the one who looked after him all these years before and after he fell ill.. I salaam and gave a long hug that lasted, and I just couldn't help my emotions and my tears from taking over me.. And the moment I did that, all my aunts, plus my mother just cried too.. Aqidah didn't, but she was sad herself.. When I hugged her, Nenek Zaimah cried along and said, "Saya dah redha.." I couldn't say anything, but in my mind, I keep saying, 'You're the only memory of Atuk now, please keep in touch..' Then everyone hugged her and said something to her, and then when it was Mak's turn, Mak said.. "Pakcik dah takde, tapi kita takmo putus hubungan tau.." I couldn't stop being so teary at that time..

Before we left, I gave Nenek Zaimah one last hug and just couldn't stop being so teary and, missing Atuk so, so very much.

We left their house nearing to 1200hours, and I slept in the car most times throughout the journey.. Other than feeling really shagged, sleeping my hours away, was a way to sedate my tears and sadness from myself and my family. On and off consoling Cik Erah in the car, and on and off, Mak said.. "Pakcik dah pun takde.." Sedih sey, but no one really showed their sadness all the way throughout the journey.

Made a pit stop at Lakin to buy makan for buka. Reached home ETA 1800hours..
Alhamdulillah everything's pretty much settled now.

I have a photograph of Atuk with all 5 of us cousins/ adik beradik when we were way so much younger.. And I continue working my days away, still living my daily life as usual.. Smiling away, and still cracking some jokes here and there like I always do.. Trying and showing my brave front and being an adult and a big sister as I am all the time, but deep inside I still miss and think of Atuk so frequently and so deeply..

Once a while I realised.. No wonder I have been so nostalgic for the past couple of weeks and visiting my childhood, and childhood places.. The eve of Atuk's demise, I missed Atuk so much, and when I look at the photo of him that I had in my room, I just smiled and said to myself as though I was saying it to him.. 'I miss you, Atuk'.
This just feels like a closure to all my strong retrospectives, and allowing me to breathe deeply and move to a better perspective, creating new retros and still carrying them - but not dwelling on them - as I forward myself further into the future.

Seeing the family get emotionally attached together, is beautiful.. and rare. And Atuk's demise has brought that in us together after such a long long time.. Alhamdulillah.

Seeing Apiz helping out to carry Atuk's keranda and helping to bury Atuk, amazes me.. I'm so proud of him. It makes me feel trusted that, when all the men in the family has grown old, Apiz leads the way.. And although he may be younger than me by few years, he's still the eldest boy amongst us cousins/ adik beradik, and I am very sure he can carry his big brother role well for all of us... I'm so proud of him.

Seeing relatives from Malaysia/ KL, those seen before/ or not seen before.. etc, Atuk's demise has brought us family together after many years not visiting and not seeing each other. Alhamdulillah.. Our Silaturrahim has become another stage closer after so long, whether knowing each other before or not..

Atuk's demise has brought certain things together that might have never really come across our minds before, and although losing Atuk hurts me a lot, it has made miracles happen.. I'm so glad for that. Alhamdulillah..
It's really true when the sentence was said, "Setiap yang terjadi, tentu ada hikmahnya.." And pelbagai hikmah telahpun terjadi atas kepergian Atuk..

4 to 5 days have passed since Atuk left all of us, left me.. But the emotions and memories still stayed strong, and grows stronger forever.. I may be and act as adult as I am, trying to face the reality that I can no longer visit Atuk anymore, but I am still that little girl that I always am whenever I'm with Atuk.. or whenever we talk or when we're together.. And as much so, I really really miss Atuk so much, it really hurts sometimes. Sometimes it just feels as though Atuk was still around..

Sometimes I just don't know and can't cry anymore, but sometimes when the emotions and yearning hit me, I just get so worked up, I can just cry and cry and just keep on crying..

Life has got to move on, career wise, life wise.. I am constantly on the move. But never moving on, as yet.. I have come to terms with the reality and Atuk's demise, but still taking everything slowly to recuperate.

Treasure every breath, everyone.. every moment you got with the ones you love, because you never know when everything would suddenly stop.. and then you'll regret that there isn't anymore second chances..

I miss you Atuk, your strong presence in my life will stay strong as ever, forever.. InsyaAllah.

Love, Nurul Ain.