What, I'm Really Missing?

I'm on DO today and supposedly, I planned to study for my IV theory test but in the end, I blew it.. All my plans screwed because I am not feeling very well lately, especially the past two days and today, making it three days!

Ahh, it all started with me having a seriously painful and annoying mouth ulcer that made me so difficult to eat anything at all.. Then I lost my appetite to eat anything, I can't even talk that properly anymore.. So yeah, that's one thing. So a couple of days later, rushed to eat my horfun (because the food was prepared late and I only had 20minutes to eat!) and ended up scalding my tongue. So that made it worst yeah? I can't talk so well, and I can't eat solid food or drink hot drinks so well! So the morning after the horfun incident, which was only a couple of days ago, I woke up feeling feverish, but refused any meds, refused to consult a dr (mainly because I am lazy to tell the dr why I'm unwell). Did I tell u, my body's constantly aching? It's like my immune system is getting low! Sigh. So my ulcer still annoys me, my tongue is still slightly sore, my fever's coming on and off, my whole body still aches, and wait.. I'm also having a cold. Run, nose.. Run! Hmmmm... And today, kept having this annoying headache on and off. So, I am so less motivated to do anything at all, and I can't study because of all this.. So should I take an MC tomorrow? Ahh, I'm so lazy.. I already have 3 MCs for this year! I'm so shagged, so prone to falling ill... I have no idea what I should do with myself right now. Take an early rest after this, and hopefully wake up tomorrow feeling much much better. Yeah, I should sleep with my Paracetamol/Ophenadrine tonight.

OK, so that was the long complain regarding me, falling ill..

Falling, falling.. I am always falling ill, always falling out of love so easily. I have dated a number of guys this year, but I just keep falling out as quickly as I fall in it.. And it's not that they're not attractive, or nice, or having positive qualities that I shouldn't fall for, it's just that I can't fall for all that anymore.

Maybe when my heart was sorely hurt the last time I was in a serious relationship some years ago, it also taught me to stop loving, romantically.. I can't fall deeply in love anymore even if I want to. The negative things Hafidz did to me have affected me so strongly inside. Everytime I get to like someone, I am so haunted by the things Hafidz has done to me before.. Take it like this, I like a guy and he likes me, but the moment I saw his flaw or the minute he hurt me ONCE, is enough to make me get affected by that, and that's when all the bad memories start playing with my mind again. That's also when I start to doubt him, and we fall out of liking each other.. No matter how he tries to win me back, no matter how many times he tells me I'm beautiful in his eyes, or that he's sorry, or that he'll still want me no matter how much flaws I got, my heart still won't be able to mend.. At the end of the day he leaves me too because he just can't stand me anymore. Wait, whatever happened to the "I still want u no matter how many flaws u got" thing? Hah, see? Bullshit right?

So yeah, I am losing interest in guys, maybe? Seems like it.. Even all my guy bestfriends are busy and away from me right now. So how? Even if I do like Helmi right now, I am still overlooking a lot of things.. My current and always-have-been belief is, Allah will know best who will be our lifelong partner, so yeah. I'm just letting my fate lie is God's hand.. I might be missing u know.. I might be missing out in a lot of opportunites with a lot of great guys right now, but if we don't look in the same direction, then.. Let fate decide.

Whether I'll meet someone who loves us - each other - strongly or not (or whether I turn out to be gay hahaha) then I'll just leave it it to fate yeah? I just can pray and hope for the best. For all the things I don't know that makes love (I am seriously hopeless and clueless in love and relationships), I can be pretty romantic and I know, on top of several qualities, the one big thing I need in a guy.

I will definitely fall in love with a guy that.........
"Makes me feel beautiful, makes me feel I am more than meets the eye.."

Until then,
Au Viderzeen.