I am not feeling well, there's this super annoying sensation at the back of my neck and my shoulders that's, well, super bugging me. And my head hurts, there's a super annoying pain that really pains me. Don't get me talking about my abdominal area yet. Bottomline is, I am irritated.

Yes, I'm annoyed. In many ways, I am.

Somehow, I am bothered by many issues around me right now. I am thinking more and deep. Ahh, I hate this. But I can't stop it.

I'm sorry Didi, for troubling u. I'm sorry for telling all my shit to u. I hate showing my flaws, but at the end of the day I am only human. Hear me now; I can't always laugh. I have to be insane first to do that. So take it or leave it, accept me as a person or not accept me. These are the only 2 choices. U choose the latter and I'll tell u, it's all up to u, it's all ur own decision. I won't fight back, I won't fight for u. I'm tired of fighting for someone in this meantime.

All these hooo-haaas that I am currently going to is driving me nuts. I am worn out from all of these drama but I just can't stop it. I'll just pray now that my worries will all decrease and I can be back to my usual daily self.

I've been singing and singing and hoping that it'll sound good. That someone will hear me and offer me a gig. The only instrument that I can pray is my voice, so I hope it won't get lost and it'll really sound good. Someone please offer me a gig, a small one, a private one where there's actually a, young or mixed generations, real and live audience that wants to hear me sing.. A private party sort of thing, something like my first one. Make it happen, make it come true before I turn 21. Make me sound really good, make me have an adolescent memory to carry with me as I age on...

I feel like as though I grow too fast, that I've fallen too much. Normal everyday people will tell me it's the same, others have also faced it rough. That's partially true, but I fight to oppose to that. Why? Because I'm not u, and I'm not the same. I am Nurul Ain Abdul Latiff, I am my own individual. I won't tell u to shut up, because u're also ur own person. Maybe u just blend in too well with the rest of the society that all of u speak the same, tell almost the same stories... Then again, u're just being u, so ok fine whatever. This is my blog entry, I can type whatever I want, i have my own say. We don't think the same, to start off, biologically we both have different brains.

See? I'm being temperamental again. I am thinking super deeply again, I am sounding angry, I am pissed off. I am jealous. I am just sustaining my ego. Hate my ego? I don't care. Or do I? Yes, I will probably fight back with u and argue with u to defend myself, so I do care. I care about myself, that's what I'll tell u.

I'd probably hurt those that I love with all that I am saying when I'm thrown in situations like these. I'd probably hurt myself, hurt my sisters' feelings, hurt urs.. But I'll definitely try my best not to hurt my parents'. So ok. I'm sorry, but I am being extra human-ish I guess. Whatever that means..

I love u, I admire u for having all that u've got. But sometimes I still envy u, D.

-- The way u present urself, ur relationship with ur family shouts A plus, means that u've got great family ties. I am so proud of u, but I envy u. Occasionally I have big issues to settle at home, that sometimes goes on undone. But I envy u, D. I envy how ur presence at home is such a significance. So many things that I face here at home won't even be near to similar. This is why I say we're different.

-- I admire u for playing in a band, I have always wished I'd be close with someone who performs in a band, it's like a crazy adolescent dream that I've been carrying for so long. Then I met u, and u make me really happy, one dream down, but I don't wanna leave this here, I wanna bring u along even when I'm done with being an adolescent. But I still envy u, D for being part of a band, for being able to do performances. For having a big piece of what I've always wanted. What makes it even harder for me is that, ur u-know-who is a part of that, means she still has a reason to be a part of ur life. That this is why I say we're different.

-- I adore the way u cherish friendships, and the great friends that u've got. That u know who are ur real friends and they treat u the same. I told u I know who are my great friends, and know who to really keep until I grow old. I know who feels the same as I do, but majority I don't really know if they actually wanna keep me until I become grey. I envy this about u, D. This is also why I say we're different.

-- I tell u a million things about me, all my flaws and all of my imperfections. I tell u all the experiences that I went through in the past or even yesterday, be it hell or just plain earthly. U tell me u don't hide anything from me, so I trust u. In other ways from what u've told me, I somehow feel, I somehow know ur experiences aren't as rough as mine, so this sort of tells me u lead a pretty clean life. And for this, I envy u D. Another reason why I tell u we're different.

All these that I typed are all spontaneous, I'm just being myself, I'm just being direct. I'm sorry. I'm just being honest here, since all these have been bottling more and more in me each day. At first it seems kinda innocent, small, insignificant. Then, as everyday walks on, a new reality slaps at my face over and over again, making all these little things big then bigger and eventually it turns into a hill. I don't know how to start speaking all these issues to u, so that's why I haven't verbally tell u all this yet. So this is why I wrote it all here, somehow it seems simpler this way. I'll wait for u to read this then question me. Maybe I need to tell u I'm sorry, but for whatever reason, why don't u just let me know. Let me know why is it even necessary to say that. Let me see how u attend to this, manage this.. Show me what u'll do, show me what u can do..

I miss u, D. I love u too. But whatever happens, happens for a reason, if we don't know the exact reason then we always make reasons for it. That's what we do, we're just being human.. I love u, D. Yes, love is blind but it definitely does not make me blind. Don't make it worst, I'm already wearing glasses. So I see ur imperfections, I see my imperfections. I wanna clear a lot of things with u before we can even go on and face the day together tomorrow..

So ask me. Tell me whatever u need to say. I might not always understand, but I'll definitely listen to u. Open up, baby and tell me every single truth.

I love u. I miss u.

Until then,
Au Viderzeen.