Changes

Today I woke up super late, at 11am. And I actually thought it was still 9am, my usual wake up time if I have no work or I’m on afternoon duty. Soo… probably the reason why was cause it was raining super heavily and the sun wasn’t screaming at my face. So yeah.

I didn't go to Cik Nong’s house today as planned earlier. Had some issues to settle but, ended up I didn’t settle any affairs at home today. So well, second yeah.

Cooked up a storm today in the kitchen. Haha, nah. Just usual stuff. While I was doing just that, I actually rememebered that I have forgotten how fun it was to cook. Whenever I'm cooking, I recall the time I was 17. That was when I brushed up a lot of my cooking skills taught by mother. And that time when the both of us were really really close and could really really talk to each other.

Sigh, now so many things have changed. I want that bond with mother again, so badly. Is it since I started working that we drifted apart? Is it hormones that's making all of these behavioural changes? Is it cause I spend a lot of time at work, and using up my weekends that's drifting us so much apart? Or is it having someone new in my life now that I have been throwing plenty of my time to, that is causing all this? Gosh, is there seriously anything I have to do to get all that back again?

I thought I was happy, I thought we were all happy. I thought I have grown up. I thought I have mature in many areas. Am I making the same similar mistakes all over again? Am I falling and failing again?

I am so exhausted from asking myself so many questions, and wanting to confront mother to talk to her and get everything cleared out… I am seriously so confused. Why has it become so hard?

Hafidz is out of my life, that is suppose to make me happy. That is my definition of happiness.

Now, today, yesterday, at home alone despite having my family members' around still makes me feel quiet and so so alone in my own world. I hate talking about the seriousness of life too much, but now words are controlling me more than I can actually hear my own laughter.

This feeling sucks. I suck. I have problems and I seriously need to face it all. I just need a start button. Can someone please help me? Can someone please hit me and make me cry like before? Can someone please make me cry? Can someone please please hurt me and make me cry.................

I miss you mother, I miss sharing so many things with you.

There was a seriously long long pause after I wrote that above sentence. Something that I did, that opened up my mind so wide, now I might just know what to do.

Changes may be good you know.
I might have to lose certain things to gain all that back, and I am prepared for it. I know what I have to keep and what I have to lose. I know what I need to do to gain what I really want and really need. Even if it requires me to be alone in certain areas of my life. Even if it means I don't require romance in the meantime.

I'm sorry, but I am just being myself.
I am just being Nurul.
I am just standing up again, and again and again...

I need to keep my pride and my strength.

InsyaAllah, I will wake up tomorrow and be fresh again. I know now what I mean by resting and that means settling things that have been left unsettled, and going back to what I had worked for many many months ago. I will gain back mother's trust and keep the bond strong again.

For many things that I might not know, I definitely know that I’m the one who's in control of my happiness. I wasn't so happy earlier on but I will gain all that back again soon. I know I will.

Until then,
Au Viderzeen.