today
I realised one of my dear friend has passed away.

it's not that i didn't know.
it's not that i wasn't informed.

on the night 13th of November, 2004
the eve of Hari Raya Aidilfitri..
my heart and fingers were moved
to say hi to him, my dear friend.
but it wasn't the usual, happy hi that i would get from him.
it was sad news from his 'abang sedara' and big sister.

"he passed away on the afternoon of 12th November, 2004."
that was their reply.
i was heartbroken and i couldn't handle the news,
i thought it was all just a plain mean joke.

i said, "stop joking around. it's not funny."
"why would we be joking? this is not a funny matter."
and they even left me their home number.

still angry, thinking that it was all a mean joke,
i told one of my friends to call him up and ask if he was actually there.
but i didn't get any good news or the opposite.

heart feeling all bruised, i threw all my feelings
at my close friend, nasir.
he was also the one who called.

and today,
a few minutes ago,
i found out the real truth.
that my friend khalis has actually left us all.
from this world.

i'll pray that his soul will rest in peace.
and Allah will accept his good doings
and forgive all the bad ones, if he actually had any.
i can't call him to say sorry.
now i'm tormented with guilt, fear and despair.

i hope he'll forgive me.
for all the things i've said behind him.

i'm scared. i'm sorry.
the feeling is worst then when my first love left me too.
now i have so much thoughts in my mind.
i'm about to break down.

i need to be alone now.
i'm still shaken.
and scared.
so much guilt tied up to my neck.

i'm so shaken.
i need to go now.

i'm sorry.